The Nature of Divorce and Why My Couples Stay Together

Divorce is generally a permanent solution to a set of temporary issues. If there is spousal or child abuse, get to safety immediately. Everything else is temporary and can be survived. I include infidelity in this. This is shocking to most people. My view on infidelity, like any other issue in a marriage, is that once we know why it happened and how we got here, we can then figure out how to get out of where we are at and then heal the marriage. That is the major difference between most marriage counselors and therapists and me. I do not think we can put out a house on fire while we are trying to build the house. If your marriage is in crisis, we have to first address the crisis and then assess if what’s left is worth saving. I know that may seem hard, but in my over 30 years of experience, it’s what true. We should not make decisions while in crisis, and most decisions to divorce happen in crisis and are driven by the desire to no longer be in crisis. I share honestly with each of my clients that a divorce is a brand-new crisis. I am in my second marriage and happy. Knowing what I know now, my first marriage was not savable because I wanted a child and they did not. There are very few life decisions that make 2 people who married no longer compatible. Number of children, views on children rearing and launching, geographic location, and retirement are the four big ones.

If you want a different number of children, this is something we cannot help and whoever wants the higher number will be forever unfulfilled if they are not able to have their dream number. Life might happen and lower their number, but you cannot lower a person’s number, and if they do so for you that creates a power imbalance that most marriages do not survive. If you believe in corporal punishment for children and that they are cut off at a certain age financially and your partner does not agree, most marriages struggle to survive this. Having a passion for a specific geographic location can pull people apart. My husband and I are both Americans living in Nagoya, Japan. I will not live in Tokyo. My geographic preference is such that if my husband wanted to live in Tokyo, I would not move to Tokyo. I think our marriage could survive it. If my husband wanted to live in The United States, I would not move to the United States, and I do not think our marriage could survive the distance or my refusal to move to be with my husband. If I had to move because I had no income and my husband had to move to make money, I would be more flexible. That flexibility would not be infinite. No amount of money would cause me to move back to the United States. The other big issue is that I do not plan to ever retire as long as I am cognitively able to practice. If my husband planned to retire at the time of retirement, we would likely become incompatible because I would still be working and unable to have the same level of time freedom. Luckily, we have the same feelings about retirement.

When it comes to issues of infidelity whether it be financial, emotional, or physical infidelity, the ability of a marriage’s survival depends on the ability of the partner who needs to forgive to be able to forgive and the partner who needs to allow space for the pain they caused to be processed. Additionally, it is the compatibility of both partners with these needs. Marriage is a series of compromises, and the best compromises are when neither party is truly happy. Limiting the number of compromises you make in your marriage will limit the number of times you and your partner feel truly unhappy. Know why you are making choices and the difference between making a choice and compromising. If you give something up and your partner did not, then you made a choice to center your partner. I promise your partner has made a lot of choices as well, and most couples do not know about the sacrifices their partner is going to make for them. We often make sacrifices our partner would never want us to make without ever asking their opinion. Would your partner really have chosen that sacrifice or choice if they had been asked before you made it? I find that we often make choices without ever considering what the cost to us, our partner, or even our children will truly be. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is center yourself. Centering yourself does not have to come at the cost of your marriage, and in fact, it can save it.