Coping With Disappointment

When we unpack the complexity that is disappointment, we find that it is a mix of failure to meet expectations, loss, betrayal, self-doubt, and anger. The level of disappointment is determined by which of these feelings is taking the lead. Failure to meet expectations, betrayal, and self-doubt are usually in the lead if we invested our time and energy into something that did not work out and we perceive the reason to be in part the actions of others or lack of action on our part. Loss and anger tend be most in the lead when we perceive an inability due to time or consequences to seize an opportunity or maximize a particular benefit. Understanding which underlying emotions are driving your disappointment can help you navigate to place of release.

When I say coping with disappointment, I mean understanding it, dismantling it, and then letting it go. Understanding how you feel starts with making mental space and carving out time to sit with yourself and your emotions. Be ready to be uncomfortable as you allow yourself to feel your feelings and truly experience them. Then ask yourself “what am I feeling?” If you can’t get beyond disappointed, then reflect on a time when you felt angry, betrayed, had a sense of loss, or sadness. Does what you are feeling now feel like any of those other times? How our emotions feel is fairly consistent over time unless we work on lessening or increasing a specific reaction to an emotion.

Once you hone in on the emotions driving your disappointment, we can begin to deescalate and self soothe. Having a repertoire of things that soothe you is vital to well being and coping with any negative emotion. Self-soothing techniques can include journaling, having a conversation with yourself as if you were talking to a friend or your younger self, physical movement, shouting, breaking things, listening to music, or taking a bath. To be good at self-soothing is to have experimented with what works for you and setting yourself up to be able to do that activity. I find it very soothing to do sand mandalas and then let the wind wipe them away. This requires that I have sand and the ability to make the mandala and then release it. I also like to write things down and then set them on fire for release. It is about getting the feelings out of your body and into the world so that you can release them and move on with your life feeling recentered. Give yourself permission to try a variety of techniques and find the ones that work for you. You’ll know you found the right ones when the rumination stops and you can let go.