Adjusting to discovering what you want in your relationship

Feeling like you are alone in your relationship is incredibly painful and scary. Feelings of loneliness and isolation can cause you to wonder why you are in the relationship at all. Deciding whether to stay or go is incredibly difficult when you don’t feel like you can talk to your partner. Your partner should be your closest ally and confidante. But how do you get to that place?

It starts by figuring out what you want. Do you want to be in your relationship? Do you love your partner? Can you see a happy future with your partner? If your answer is yes to these questions, then it is a matter of exploring how you came to the place you are at. It also requires figuring out where you are at as an individual.

Being part of a happy partnership begins with being happy with everything outside of the partnership. It often requires us to take a hard look at the choices we are making and then to explore how to make better ones. Interestingly, selfish people tend to be happier in their relationships than unselfish people. If you are the more giving partner, it stands to reason that you are probably not getting your needs met. It may also be the case that you don’t know what your needs are or how to get your needs met. With help and guidance, you can learn what it is you want and how to get it. It takes honesty, courage, and the willingness to do things differently.

If, instead, you answered no to the questions, then deciding on the most compassionate course is vital. Is it more compassionate to separate or to try and bring back the love you once felt? Can the love you once felt be brought back? In most cases, I have seen that it can; however, this is not always what’s truly best for each person in the partnership. There are some issues that partners really need to agree on. One such decision is whether or not to have children.

If the decision to not have children is made, then it is best if both partners take steps to ensure, as a couple, that there will be no unplanned pregnancies. I know that talking about children and the lifestyle changes necessary to have them and care for them is not always fun, but being on the same page as your partner is one way to determine whether your relationship can realistically meet your needs long-term. Being honest with yourself and your partner about the big things is essential if your relationship is going to work.

Talking about the big things can help you decide if it is in your best interest to compromise about the small things. Talking about the big things also lets you know if this is a relationship you should fight for. It all comes back to knowing what you want. Talking to someone who can be objective about your hopes, dreams, and aspirations can help you sort out what it is you really need. Knowing what you need and then taking the steps to get those needs met will make a profound and positive change in your life and relationship.

Posted on Saturday: 26 September, 2015