Coping with and Overcoming Shame

Shame and guilt most often go together hand in hand and are usually attached to things we feel will allow others to judge us and find us unworthy. The seeds that grow into shame are planted within us at an early age. As a child, we look at the world and decide who we are supposed to be. Sometimes, who we are supposed to be is not at all who we are. I help my clients realize that this is simply not true. We are all who we are supposed to be, and once we embrace that central truth, we start to feel less shame. We also start to improve our self-worth and embrace who we truly are. This starts with deconstructing the lie of who we are meant to be.

We all have an image of who our ideal self is. How far away from our ideal self and how much patch work we have done to represent to the world that we are our ideal self-determine how much fear and shame we have. When we lie to ourselves or the world even in the slightest about who we are, we become afraid of the truth coming out. These lies and this fear are the fertile ground in which shame takes root. By living even the slightest of lies, we create the ability for others to find out we are not who we present ourselves to be, and this fear creates anxiety and shame. Shame that we are not our ideal selves and shame that we have misrepresented ourselves, and when found out, they will know we are not worthy.

The feeling of being worthless is a lie. We all have value. That is just a fact. When we posture and mislead to inflate our value, we are actually devaluing ourselves and not doing the things that serve us best. Living a life where you are 100% authentically yourself allows you freedom from shame. Embracing who you are and being honest with the world about who you are creates the freedom to just be yourself. We must understand that we have value even at our lowest points. We still matter. In the grand scheme of things, material possessions, the behavior of our family, our history – none of those matters. It is who we are today that matters. Those who would judge us negatively do not deserve space in our lives. Interestingly, the things my clients who embark on this journey of honesty find is the people in their lives want to uplift and support them, and what they feel the most ashamed of is usually met with compassion and understanding. Don’t let your fear of shame keep you in a prison of your own making.