Coping With Toxic Family Members

There are 2 pieces of advice that almost every blog post about toxic family members gives, which I am also guilty of giving, and that is to set good boundaries and cut ties. I’m not going to give either of those pieces of advice this time around because they are not the only choices. Boundaries rarely work with toxic people, especially if they are in your family. Going no contact is not always feasible. Directly put, there needs to be more tools than that in our tool kit for dealing with toxic people even when they are family. Toxic behaviors come in a few forms of expression in families but usually break down into lying, cheating, blaming others, being cruel or judgmental, being manipulative, and being selfish.

For each of these behaviors, there are coping mechanisms to keep yourself safe when interacting with your family. If a family member is a known liar and cheater, limit what you trust them with. Do not tell them your personal business and do not rely on them to meet any of your needs. Once you have limited their ability to impact your life, the lying and cheating, while annoying, won’t directly impact you. I know being strategic with family members is not ideal, but it will keep you safe. For example, if a family member blames others for their mistakes, don’t collaborate with them or have a role of responsibility in their lives. It will require you to take a step back and adjust, but it is easier than trying to change their behavior. It may be helpful to keep in mind that the only person’s behavior we can control is our own.

This is especially true if we have a manipulator in the family who is always trying to maneuver everyone into positions and behaviors that benefit them. If you can align your interests with theirs, their behavior will be beneficial for you. If you cannot, try your best to not have your interests be the opposite of theirs. The other two types of toxicity most common in families are being judgmental and selfishness. Selfishness is like manipulation: if you can align your interests, you can benefit. With a judgmental or cruel family member, by limiting the information they have about you, they will have less to judge. Another strategy it to cement in your mind the positive aspects of what you have going on in your life. Remind yourself that this person is cruel and judgmental and not the arbiter of your success of well-being. Center yourself and keep in mind the peace and joy you have in your life, and the actions of others will be less jarring. Centering your joy is the best defense against being triggered, managing family members, and having more good days than bad.