Deciding What’s Best For You When Your Loved Ones Make Big Changes

I’ll admit that this is as much about me as it is about my clients. Recently, both my husband and son made major life decisions that changed the next 20 years of my life. I am often surprised by how much the decisions of others shape our lives and impact our choices. If we choose to be connected to anyone, their life choices will impact our life choices, and this interconnectedness can be frustrating – especially so when others make choices that infuriate us and take our time and attention in a direction we did not sign up for. This is especially true of international couples and parents. Being married, an expat, and a mother are the three most rewarding and infuriating choices I have ever made. Learning how to stay mentally nimble enough to enjoy all three is a skill that needs to be honed and tailored to what will keep things in balance for you.

I advise everyone whenever possible to always have an income because having our own money prevents the feeling of being trapped by anyone else’s choices. This may be a temperamental thing specific to me, but wanting to be with my husband and not needing to makes the marriage manageable for me because it is a choice. For me, choice is how I manage the difficult and shocking times. When both my husband and son made decisions in the span of 2 days that changed the next 20 years of my life, being able to say stuff this and leave allowed me to contemplate: what would it mean if I stayed? Having the ability to privately contemplate what it would mean to leave and what it would mean to stay helped me stay in my body, hold off the urgency of now, and not be angry. Just as they made their choices in isolation, I could make mine.

Once you know your choice, you can figure what you need to do. Do you need to leave your current situation, or can you stay? Staying does not mean fully accepting with no consideration the choices others make. For me, I explained the impact of their choices and what aspects I felt went too far. I also negotiated what I wanted the process for life altering changes to be. Making life altering choices without alerting the people it will impact is never okay. Even if the choice is 100% their right to make in isolation. Out of respect for the interconnected nature of life, there needs to be a process that respects how intertwined our lives are. For example, my husband has zero life changing choices to make without consulting me. My son can make all of his own decisions but needs to be mindful that I need to be gently walked towards some decisions. The lines you draw are yours to draw. Once you establish what you need, you can negotiate so that your life is rarely devastated by the choices of others.