Finding The Love You Want

Wanting love is nothing to be ashamed of. The message that one must be ok with being alone to be independent is blasted at us from every direction, casting the desire to be part of a couple as weak and dependent. While I think it is great to be able to fulfill yourself, I also think that it is great to find fulfillment in the exchange of love. Finding the space to be honest with yourself about what truly makes you happy is the first step in having the love you want, whether it is self love or the love of a romantic partner.

Owning what you want will allow you to defeat negative self talk and let go of feelings of shame and doubt. Once free of negative self talk, you will be able to attract the love you want. Negative self talk clouds the mind and prevents us from seeing ourselves clearly, which is the very thing that having the love we want requires most. Clarity allows us to know ourselves and our needs. When we truly know ourselves, doing the work to get the love we need becomes so much simpler.

Getting the love we need, whether it be self-love or the love of a partner is work. The work necessary to love and be loved takes conviction and motivation. The conviction that we are worthy of love and the motivation to do the work necessary to get love are essential. Once we can accept that we are deserving, we must be motivated to take action.

I know that feeling deserving of love is easy to say but very difficult for some people to achieve. Knowing your worth is something a lot of people struggle with. The first step is an honest self-assessment. What qualities do you value? Knowing the qualities that you value will let you assess if you are a quality person. I suggest thinking of three people you consider to be quality people and thinking why you have such a favorable opinion of them. Next, look at what it is they are doing and consider if you would enjoy engaging in similar activities. Does their life style work for you? If not, take a moment and consider if your lifestyle is working for you. If it is, then celebrate yourself for building a comfortable life.
If you are content with your current lifestyle, consider what would enhance and improve your life. Once you know the areas that you would like to enhance, you can think about how you can achieve this or what type of person would achieve this for you. It is very important when looking for love that we look for love within our comfort zones. Relationships work best long-term when they don’t overtax us. It is great and exciting to be challenged, but being challenged everyday for years on end is exhausting. Be realistic about what is sustainable. If you are attempting a major personality shift, it is best to do this alone and not rely on a partner to pull you out of your comfort zone. Once you successfully have achieved the personality shift, your comfort zone will change and then you can seek out a partner that fits the new you.

Being honest about who you are and discovering what it is you truly want is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. Be patient with yourself and treat yourself kindly. Kindness is an important part of love, whether it be self love or the love of a partner. Knowing how to give and receive kindness is a gift. Knowing how to give and receive love is also a gift, and you are worthy of these gifts.

Posted on Sunday: 31 January, 2016