How Attachment Styles Impact Our Relationships

Our attachment is a blend of who we came into the world as and what our childhood taught us about relationships and safety. Our understanding of what a safe relationship is and how we contribute to that safety forms the foundation of our attachment style. How our parents expressed love in our early years also contributes a great deal to our attachment styles. When we reach adolescence, our friendships further shape our attachment style. By the end of puberty, our attachment style is pretty much locked in. Understanding our attachment style is important because attachment is how we receive and give love. Attachment styles also dictate how trusting we are and how communicative we are. Those with a secure attachment style feel safe and are comfortable with commitment and emotional intimacy. They also feel very little fear about the strength of their love and others’ love for them. They can set boundaries and resolve conflict without lashing out.

People with an anxious attachment style generally feel like they aren’t getting enough in their relationship. No matter how much their partner gives, it is not enough to make them feel secure. This is because they do not feel secure in the relationship and are very worried about being abandoned. For those with an anxious attachment style, relationships feel precarious. While those with an anxious attachment style crave reassurance and closeness, those with avoidant attachment crave independence. Those with an avoidant attachment style struggle to let their walls down and often feel smothered by their partner. They also tend to avoid conflict and may leave during disagreements. The fourth and final type of attachment stye is disorganized. Disorganized attachment causes a lot of internal conflict. Those with disorganized attachment tend to be very intense and struggle to manage their emotions. They crave intimacy and closeness but also fear it, and this results in mixed signals. They tend to push partners away while also trying to pull them in closer. They struggle to trust themselves and their partners.

Knowing our attachment styles can help deepen our understanding of why we give and receive love the way that we do and help us deconstruct patterns that aren’t working for us. We are able to adapt and change. With help, we can change our understanding of what love and secure dynamics feel and look like. We can shift toward more secure ways of relating. The work begins with knowing what our attachment style looks like and noticing when old fears or coping strategies show up. We can gently practice new ways of connecting with others while we lower our walls. Understanding what we need to feel safe and asking for it directly opens up the opportunity for those closest to us to do the same. With support, practice, and open communication, we can get our needs met in healthy ways while also meeting the needs of those closest to us.