How I Learned to Love Myself and Become More Fully Myself

Loving myself was not easy. I wish I could say I’ve always loved myself, but that’s true. I lost myself in the role of motherhood, and for a lot of the years that felt like my primary role, and I lost myself. I’ve always worked, and most folks think that’s enough to stay balanced, but for me it was not. I got lost in the responsibility of motherhood. My goal as a parent was to raise a child that was happy, healthy, and whole. I have two genetic illnesses that my son inherited. That took healthy off the table, but I fought against that for a decade and then I had to let go. I let go of the dream that my son would be healthy and instead focused on my son being able to manage these two debilitating life altering illnesses. The next thing I had to reimagine was what does happy look like for my son who originally wanted to be a parent and then made the decision not to have biological children because of the genetic implications. I got to know my son as an adult and admire the selflessness that ironically would make him a great father. Instead, we embrace the resources he has and lifestyle he can live. His happy is not my happy. Embracing his choices and supporting his decisions keeps him whole. I succeeded as a mother.

This taught me that my happiness and self-worth were dangerously tied to role fulfillment. With any role, we aren’t the ones who get to decide if we fail or succeeded. It is the people around us who are impacted by how we fulfill that role that get to decide. I wish that wasn’t the case. I didn’t realize how much of my worth was tied up in my husband’s and son’s opinions of how good I was at balancing work and motherhood. For a lot of years, I felt like I never fully gave myself to anything. I hadn’t stopped to ask myself what I wanted. Then one day I was in a session, and I asked a client “What do you want?”. I was determined for them to figure out what they wanted, and as I sat there giving the space for them to figure it out, I started wondering what I want. I wrote it down in my notes, and after the session I asked myself that very same questions, and I was shocked that it took me a year to figure out.

What I wanted was my PhD. It took a lot of figuring out and a lot of not having other things I wanted when I wanted them, but this sacrifice was different. This sacrifice for was me. It was hard. It was lonely. It was often sad. But in the process of pursuing something I wanted that truly mattered to me, I learned that I am best self when I have a goals that will fulfill me, and if my family can’t hold that space for me then I am in the wrong family dynamic. The shift to centering myself created distance in my relationships with my adult son and with my husband. It almost cost me my marriage, and if I had lost those relationships in pursuit of my self love, I would have been devastated, but the one person I truly cannot live without is me. So for me, the key to self love is doing the work to be your best self: knowing what makes you feel vibrant and going for it, accepting that those who cannot hold space for you are not meant for you. I want to finish this post with 2 questions. 1) What do you want? 2) What are you willing to do to get it?