How to Know if Your Family is Toxic

I’ve written in the past about how to tell if someone is toxic, and I think toxicity is so complex that is bares writing about again. One of the things I find most interesting about family and toxicity is that it is not always a fixed state. I am the last of 14 children, and at one point or another, I have had a toxic relationship with each of my siblings that has improved. I am happy that, currently, none of my family relationships are toxic. I found that knowing what makes a relationship toxic allowed me to explore what I wanted to do about the toxicity. When it comes to family, it is not always feasible to cut them out of your life. This is especially true if it is a sibling and you want to stay connected to the rest of the family. Knowing the difference between incompatibility and toxicity can help.

For example, not having anything in common and feeling misunderstood is a personality incompatibility. Being ridiculed or made fun of because of your interests is toxic behavior that usually comes from a historical place. Toxicity in families usually begins at a very early age with toxic patterns that never evolve and don’t get resolved. Being judgmental is a character trait that can lead to toxic behavior, such as shamming or blaming others for personal discomfort. If a family member expects you to be responsible for their comfort at the cost of your own, that is a toxic behavior that can be worked through if unpacked with both parties willing to do the work.

A more challenging toxic behavior is manipulation. There is usually at least one person in every family that is the observer and arbiter of the family truth. This person can be a source of peace creation or the family’s greatest manipulator. The family may have more than one, and this behavior is most likely ingrained into who they are and what they needed to thrive and survive in the family. With a manipulator, it is important to take a step back and ask yourself if you want to be manipulated, and if not, then taking steps to protect yourself from manipulation is vital. A simple test to know if your family or family members are toxic is how you feel after spending time with your family. Toxicity is not always a specific set of behaviors, but rather the creation of a general feeling of unease via microaggressions or neglect. If spending time with your family leaves you feeling negatively, ask yourself why, and in your answer will be the behaviors and people who are toxic for you. Read next week’s blog for some tips on coping with toxic family members.