Life After the Relationship Ends

One of the saddest and most traumatic experiences a person can go through is the end of a relationship. The end of an intimate love relationship is incredibly painful. It is the death of who you could have been with that person and the future that would have been. Even if we end the relationship, it still hurts. If the end of the relationship was not your decision, that can be even more painful.  The decision to end a relationship is a complex one, and very few people make such a decision without a lot of contemplation. Regardless of how your relationship came to an end, I can promise that the pain is not your forever. You can survive the pain and have a life with more good days than bad.

Whether or not you decided to end the relationship, the healing process is remarkably similar. Grief is grief. However the relationship ended, there is generally a lot of what ifs. The what ifs can haunt us if we do not take the time to own our part in why the relationship did not work. Taking responsibilities for our own side of the street is not fun, but if we are to move on and avoid repeating the same mistakes, we must have an honest accounting. Being honest about when the break down in the relationship started and how we contributed to that break down can be very healing and help us regain a sense of control. Most break ups are very destabilizing.

By looking at ourselves, we refocus on the one person’s actions we can control. Looking at what your ex-partner did or did not do is simply a waste of time. Closure through conversation with your ex-partner is rarely achievable. I know these are unsatisfactory statements, but in my experience, it is a rare couple that can end a relationship in which both partners want to talk through the end in a way that honors the other person. The truth is that you did not deserve the pain that caused the end of your relationship, but if your partner was able to help you heal, the relationship would most likely not have ended. You were not able to get your needs met in that dynamic, or you were unable to give your former partner what they needed, and because of that the relationship has ended. Focusing on you and your healing, in my experience, is the most positive way forward.