Overcoming Self-loathing

Everyone at one time or another in their life will feel shame, guilt, and disappointment. It’s when these feelings are allowed to fester or sit in your mind too long without a solution that self-loathing creeps in. Negative emotions, when left unchecked and unexpressed, turn inward and toward the self. Once that begins to happen, even the smallest of mistakes can feel disastrous as our emotional regulation declines and we lose our ability to assess situations objectively. Self-loathing manifests as increased irritability, higher anxiety, troubled sleep, and reduced performance. These are the early warning signs that we are in a state that could lead to self-loathing, especially if we have a lot of unexpressed emotions. Hyper focus on perfection is another sign. Perfectionists generally feel unworthy and are at a higher risk of developing self-loathing due to their hyper critical nature.

Expressing emotions as you feel them will help reduce the likelihood that you will develop self-loathing and be able to look at yourself and situations objectively. Separating yourself into two selves helps a lot in this regard. Deciding how to express is about knowing yourself. Do you process best verbally, in writing, or through movement? To figure this out, try different ways of expressing your emotions and see which ones leave you feeling the best afterward. Which type of expression leaves you feel fully expressed and ready to move on? You will also need to consider the resources for each type of expression and use them wisely. When testing verbal expressions, make sure you have a safe person to talk with. When writing, security is paramount. It is crucial that you have secure storage. I often advise my clients to write it down and then burn it afterward to ensure that what they wrote will not put them at risk. The same can be said for physical expressions: going to a smash room or exercise space to have that physical expression in a safe way is necessary. What can help with this is setting up these resources before you need them.

Additionally, recognizing the emotional self and the objective self will allow you to shift in between these modalities of thought. It takes practice but we always have access to our objective mind that views situations more factually and less emotionally. It does take practice to do this, and one way to develop the skill is to ask yourself “what would I say to help my best friend take a step back” and then examine why that method does or does not work for you and then tweak it. Being able to remove emotion from situations allows space for de-escalation. This space will allow you to put emotions in perspective, but also to be aware that your emotional needs need to be expressed as well. Being objective will ensure that you are using your tools and expressing emotions in a way that does not have a detrimental impact, but also prevents self-loathing. Being measured is also an effective way to reduce perfectionism. When you achieve this balance, you will find it easier to love yourself.

Posted on Monday: 03 July, 2023