Why Fighting Fair is Impossible

As soon as it becomes a fight, you are no longer in the head space to be fair. When we fight, we have the goal to be heard. When fighting, the goal to be heard is a lot different than it is when having a discussion. When a discussion becomes a fight it is because we are not feeling heard, and once our focus shifts form peaceful resolution of issues, we are no longer able to be fair. We also lose our ability to deescalate, control our facial expressions and tone of voice. We are no longer in the space to be fair. I think setting the goal of fighting fair is the wrong goal. I think a better goal is to have discussions when issues first arise to avoid fighting. Most people tend to let too many things slide and only address issues when they are at a breaking point. Far too often, people extend themselves in ways that violate their boundaries without realizing it results in emotional burnout. When we are emotionally spent, we simply don’t have the energy to consider anyone other than ourselves because we are in protection mode. The key to discussing instead of fighting is knowing your boundaries and not violating them for work, friends, or romantic partners.

A great many of my clients argue that to achieve their professional goals they must violate their boundaries. I understand that in survival or ladder jobs, this may be the case but these are time limited. If you are working a survival job that violates your boundaries, I recommend working that job while looking for a survival job that does not. Given enough time most people can find a survival job that does not violate their boundaries and sets them up to do more than survive. For a ladder job, those are time limited because once you have reached the highest level possible in that job, it is time to switch to another job and climb the ladder there. Once you have climbed the ladder to the highest position your education and experience will allow to achieve, it is time to look for a job that does not violate your boundaries. Switching our focus to friend, family, and romantic partners, the argument I most often hear is that the relationship will not survive the enforcement of boundaries.

If a relationship will not survive the enforcement of boundaries, then I share gently but directly that it is toxic. Healthy relationships will be strained as new boundaries are established, but everyone will do the work to ensure your boundaries are not being violated. The key to achieving this is talking through your boundaries and owning that you have allowed this violation to happen and take ownership of not making your boundaries clear or simply not knowing that giving something or performing certain tasks would cross a boundary for you. It is often that case that we do not realize that a gift or act will cross our boundaries until after the fact. To avoid this building up, as soon as we have a negative reaction we need to have the discussion without blaming the other person about our new knowledge. Do not expect yourself to adapt in ways that are painful for you. Instead, work with the people in your life to help them find a resource other than you to get needs met that cross your boundaries, and you will feel the need to fight a lot less often.