Why Success Doesn’t Calm Anxiety

A hard truth is that many successful people still feel constantly on edge. This feeling of being constantly on edge is a system-level miscalibration, and this is good news because we can learn to recalibrate. If we understand panic and anxiety as a false signal under uncertainty load, we can do the work to reduce uncertainty. This is also true of perfectionism and the need for control. Whatever the anxiety trigger, we can reduce and adapt to the trigger. Reducing triggers is a familiar concept for those battling anxiety with adaptation being generally less familiar. I introduce adapting to triggers because most successful, high-functioning people are under-adapted to ambiguity. A great many people struggle in the gray area of uncertainty. This is because successful people tend to exert a high level of control over their success. Being successful is often the result of executing a well thought out plan or series of moves. Because success is often hard won, it can feel fragile and precarious.

Learning that our success is resilient and that we can make it bullet proof is a process that begins with getting comfortable or adapting to ambiguity. Most of us learn that what we cannot control is what hurts us, and this is true far less often than we think. I will concede that there will be times that the unknown is dangerous but note that holding space for our destruction is not the right solution. To reinforce this, I often ask my clients to think of examples when the unexpected brought something positive into their lives. The biggest, most unexpected event for most people is finding love. We often hold on to our big, unexpected wins less tightly than we do our unexpected losses. Disappointment, hurt, and fear are so much louder than satisfaction, comfort, and safety. Letting go of our fear of the unknown takes the bullhorn away from anxiety and the fear that is driving it. Letting go of fear allows us to feel safe in the unknown. A big help in letting go of fear is naming what there is to be afraid of.

When we know what we are afraid of, we understand what our control, perfectionism, and anxiety are trying to prevent. Another part of adapting is exploring what positive outcomes might exist in parallel with the bad. When we allow ourselves to acknowledge that uncertainty holds positive and negative possibilities equally, we learn to balance the scales. We train ourselves to not only look for the bad in ambiguity but also the good. We train ourselves to see the unknown as endless possibilities because that’s what it is. Tomorrow is unknown. Even if we are going to work tomorrow, there are a million little things that we cannot predict that may positively impact our day. We can take steps to increase the likelihood of positive outcomes, but we cannot guarantee all of them. Most people struggling with anxiety already know this. That’s a starting point, and we must also embrace that we cannot guarantee all the negative outcomes either. If we are comfortable with the unknown pockets of positivity, we can embrace ambiguity and balance the scales. We do not need to be battle ready, and we can enjoy the good that is coming to us. We can embrace the positive in the unknown.