Learning to Be Kind to Yourself

Most of us have an inner life that is extremely cruel. This is due to our self-talk. Our internal dialogue can either lift us up or quietly tear us down with a constant stream of criticism. This is because most of us do not learn how to set boundaries within ourselves. If we think about it for a moment, we quickly realize we would never tolerate a stranger coming up to us and saying some of the things our inner voice says to us. That is because we have an expectation of what living in a civil society looks like. We have clear set boundaries. Our internal life is much more intimate than society, but don’t we deserve to have boundaries there as well? Don’t we deserve to have a civil internal life that lifts us up and helps us have more good days than bad? This is achievable and starts with retaining our inner voice. When we no longer accept cruelty and criticism, they stop being our default. Noticing cruelty and criticism and calling it out as not consecutive begins to interrupt the pattern and opens the door for redirection.

A simply question in the face of criticism, such as asking for something constructive that is helpful, moves us towards accepting and acknowledging our own humanity. To be human is to be flawed. In our human moments, we do not deserve to be torn down and destroyed. We deserve consideration and compassion. We deserve a way back from our mistake. We deserve to be forgiven and allowed to move on. Calling ourselves names or dooming ourselves does not match reality. The worst outcome of most mistakes is the effort necessary to correct them. We can reduce that effort by acknowledging that the mistake is frustrating and wish it had not happened, but it is not world ending. When we hear ourselves reduced to name calling and harsh criticism, we should take a moment to ask ourselves what the truth is. Are we really stupid: is that what we really think?  If we truly believe ourselves to be stupid, what can we do about that? There are courses for everything. There are a million and one ways to improve intelligence.

By examining the criticism and making the cost for criticism taking action, we reduce the insults we use. We begin to move away from harmful self-talk that only serves the purpose of tearing us down. We start to replace throw away insults, such as calling ourselves stupid, to properly naming the emotion driving it as frustration. By taking a moment to figure out how we are feeling, we can then do the work to resolve those feelings in a productive way. Through this process of examining criticism, taking action, and exploring the emotion driving the criticism, we move towards self-compassion. We start a practice of self-warmth and kindness in moments of struggle. We are all going to struggle, and we do not deserve an inner voice that heaps cruelty on top of our struggle.  We do not deserve punishment on top of our struggle. It is human to struggle, and challenging moments are not our forever. Criticism in those moments are a distraction that prevent us from making progress. Our inner critic wastes our time because there are no solutions in the criticism. Knowing that our internal negativity does not serve us or tell us the truth makes it easier to turn down the volume and, over time, let it go completely.